This is the fourth in a series of conversations with women in transition and forms part of the Woman, reWilded series on reclaiming cycle wisdom, woman wisdom in the season of inner winter.
With every bleeding story shared on a public platform we get closer to normalising menstruation and dissolving the cultural stigma around perimenopause and menopause. In this story we make the invisible, visible.
In her winter, day 2 of the menstrual cycle, Ximena Bernal shares the artwork she created yesterday. She bled directly onto paper – the first bleed of the cycle – and squeezed two sheets together, making a beautifully visceral image, each page, each month, different in textures, hues, and shapes created from her womb.
As woman we are gifted with an extraordinary possibility, to bleed every month. And in the bleeding and birthing but not dying, we can use self knowledge gained from every moon cycle to birth ourselves and the collective, the feminine power to midwife a new world.
Listening to the replay of this rich conversation with Ximena, a professional singer and womb and yoga therapy teacher living in Bogota, Colombia, I am constantly reminded that as a menopausal woman I can still access cycle power through the moon. Our 10 year age difference – Ximena is in perimenopause at 47, me at 57 – enriches our conversations about being woman at this time, this age in very different circumstances.
BR When we first met, you shared profound words from an Indigenous Mayan elder, FlordeMayo, “When women return their menstrual blood to the earth, men will stop killing for blood”. How do you interpret this for other women and men?
XB: In my generation in Colombia, I grew up to see menstrual blood as an inconvenience. I didn’t talk about it or want people to know I was bleeding. The important thing was to keep going and not let “that time of the month” change my everyday life.
But since 2013, through my own exploration and specially my work with womb yoga, I have become close to my own menstruality. I see my bleeding as a sacred time and honour it in ceremony; being in nature, slowing down and returning my blood as an offering to Earth, is continuing a practice that has been done for ages by many Indigenous communities.
This connection between blood and the Earth, is the blood of life. Our blood, woman’s blood is the blood of giving life. We all come from that life. Wars – mostly carried out by men – are connected to killing for blood. The destruction of Mamma Earth is a sign that both men and women need to honour the feminine; to stop taking, taking, taking, and hurting the Earth. It is through honouring our blood that we honour Life itself with all its cycles.
Men and women of today are not given the opportunity to pause, be soft and in sync with their own feminine nature; it’s all about work, produce, produce. When women see their blood as sacred, allowing space for their menstrual cycle and their feminine cyclical nature, we give men the space to honour their feminine side too; to allow change and pause as normal and necessary.
How have you honoured your winter through ritual?
In my autumn before I bleed, when I am contracted and very sensitive, that is my guiding point. Last month I was really connected to a place inside that didn’t feel worthy, capable or not good enough to make decisions. That’s what I plant in the soil I create a very clear intention about what I want to shed and what I want to plant in my inner winter. so the next cycle may begin with a clear, new space. What a gift that is!
I open space for clarity and worthiness fully aware that I am sustained by Mother Earth and life itself. Winter is all about shedding – the death of the ego – and letting unfold what is real.
How is your ritual different when you are in nature, in the country?
When I can retreat to the countryside – I have a beautiful space with organic herbs and vegetables – I spend time in the kitchen working with the plants, resting and sleeping a lot. I lie on the earth and love to put my hands and feet deep in the soil. I love spending time there. I prefer to be in the countryside for my bleeding time, though it’s not always possible.
For the last year, I have had this amazing practice of free flow. That’s really beautiful for me. When I am present and aware of my body, I can feel when the blood is coming down. When I feel the urge (like having a pee), usually every 2 hours, I either squat directly on the earth or use a jam jar to collect the blood and then give it to the soil. I also use period undies; I wash them in water and offer that water to the earth.
In the city, I still honour my winter by changing my rhythm inside and out; intention, pausing, letting go then reset. Instead of giving my blood offering directly to Mamma Earth, I put it into my home plants.
I am really curious about what you call your Oracle. Can you share more about this?
I believe in the power of ritual. Years ago I tried to paint with my menstrual blood as a psychophysical act. In the past few years, it’s become a constant winter practice. On the first bleeding day, I open my art journal, squat on paper, then squeeze the sheets together to create a mirror image. The images I create not only show me the amount, texture and smell of my blood, they are filled with insight and inner stories. They tell me specific things about my health, emotions and general wellbeing that month.
It’s beautiful to see the difference from month to month; sometimes it’s dark, sometimes there are clots and sometimes it’s light. The images that come out are surprising; I turn it around to see abstract figures; it can be very figurative. I put the image on my altar and use it as an oracle to guide my meditation practice.
In your art journal, do you notice a change in your blood since you’ve identified you are in perimenopause?.
Actually, yes! This is very new for me and it happened around the time we connected. Over the last months, my cycle has become shorter, there’s less blood and it’s darker with more clots.
When it’s dark like this, I intuitively feel I am shedding very old things that are deep in my womb and that I am ready to let go of to prepare myself for menopause, rebirth, and the wisdom that comes with this time of life. I hope (laughs)! In perimenopause, going into menopause is the absolute no bullshit stage of life. What I am doing now is releasing what’s not in alignment with my deep self so I can fully become the crone.
How is your body changing in perimenopause especially now you are in a new relationship?
All my pants with zipper don’t fit anymore and I gave them away. My hips and breasts are growing and I am not sure how big I am going to get, but it’s Ok. I like the flesh especially if I am getting the wisdom instead; that is fine with me!
It reminds me of a time ten years ago when I used to walk with women of all different ages some as old as 80. We would get on a bus and take one day a week to walk in nature. I got to see amazing places and witnessed these super powerful women jumping into waterfalls and being totally at ease with their bodies of all shapes and sizes.
I remember one of them saying the wisdom is so big, so great, so abundant in menopause that your head cannot hold it anymore so it has to drip down into your hips. I loved that!
I loved when you spoke of this new fleshy you taking up more space now that you are in a relationship? Can you describe what that feels like?
I’ve spent many years alone and years with a partner. Usually when I am on my own, my body is thinner. I think it’s because I have a very clear masculine side; of creating, action and strength. The side that says” I can do this alone”. With that comes a deep wound of not trusting people. I’ve been working on connecting with my feminine side with these practices of menstruality.
Before this new relationship, I didn’t even know what a balanced man looked like, what a healthy relationship looked like. Working on myself, inhabiting wholeness – my feminine side as well as my powerful masculine side – working with plants especially my beloved cacao, and using menstruality as a spiritual path has helped me recognise the love inside me. When I embodied a life I loved living, respecting all it’s rhythms and colours through the cycle, this is when the beautiful man I am with turned up!
In partnership, my breasts and hips grow and I love it. I take up more space and feel seen and touched. I feel comfortable with my body and with him and my body; we share deep love and intimacy. Men love that so I think they grow a bit in pure happiness too. In Italy where I lived for 6 years, beauty is the fleshy, woman like the roundness of Sophia Loren. Fleshy can be very sensual.
How has honouring your inner winter changed the way you are in the world?
In my winter I am like a sponge; I am very affected by others’ energy. So I choose who I interact with. This is my time and I want to use the power for myself. Usually, I am not available to others. However, sometimes there is no choice, or I choose this super powerful time to do this inner work with a specific person. It is intense and sometimes painful going in deep but everything seems to flow faster in shedding time. To know my strengths and weaknesses in each part of my cycle lets me move in the world with more awareness.
In perimenopause, I am very joyful for my moon to arrive and grateful to bleed. I wonder when it is going to stop, so my intention runs very deep and it helps me to use my blood wisely and purposefully as I go through these last bleeding years of my life.
It would have been so different if I knew what I know now. I would have never taken the pill or used tampons. Wow all those years! But then I think of now and just feel grateful to know what I know and do what I do with all the beauty that I have.
Blessings on you Ximena. Thank you x
Notes
- Image credit: Vulvani: when period blood turns into art
- If you are interested to find out more about Menstrual Art or Menstrala see this fascinating article in The Conversation.
- The title of this blog has been adapted from the influential and groundbreaking book by Lara Owen, Her Blood is Gold.